My First Love

Yes I loved you. Loved you to distraction, you were everything and I shared a special bond with you. You were so exceptional, very special to me and made me feel so happy. I still don’t remember the exact moment I fell for you but I did in a big way.

Meeting you every evening after the day I would be bursting with so much to share and you too had so much to tell me. Your eyes, your smile everything was for me. We did so many things together and smiled with pure contentment of being in each others company.The relationship was a treasure for both of us. And then you told me you would be going away for few months to another city and I had tears in my eyes my heart stopped I could not think. My mind heard and understood the meaning of your words but my heart refused to accept them.

You too were very sad but tried to comfort me

‘I have to go you said but will write to you. And we promised to write letters.

Those few months were a very trying period for me, missing you, writing to you and reading your letters and talking on the phone and secretly crying not letting others know about it.

The days seemed very long and the thoughts of evenings without you were just hell for me. I missed you and you missed me. Sometimes I remembered the way we talked without saying anything, with our eyes and smiles. In a room full of people we would exchange special messages which only both of us could understand, a smile, an exchange of glances, a nod was enough to convey what millions of words would not. You were the first man whom I gave all my smiles and tears too that is I shared everything all good and bad in my life.

Sometimes you just listened to me, sometimes you tried to convince me which was not easy as I am quite stubborn being a true taurean

But you understood me, you accepted me as I am as I was and unconditionally loved me.

Was it love, at first sight or … I don’t know but it grew every time we saw each other. We had our fights too and did not talk with each other and both of us sulked.

I was adamant and you were firm but our hearts could bear no longer than a day and the next day we would make up and again become friends. The beautiful relationship was guarded fiercely by both of us and no other soul could ever enter in this sanctuary. No one was allowed. It had ample space for both of us but no space whatsoever for any shadow. A relationship, which gave me everything and made me so feel light as a cloud. I was on the top of the world. I felt carefree like a breeze and had the lightness of the feathers in my feet and those were the most wonderful days in my life. I felt as if I had wings to take to me to happy lands.

And suddenly you had to go away…..

And I was shocked our relationship came to an end.

There was no time to ask anything, say for anything…

It was……words became sobs and choked in my heart

My world lost its colors and my eyes became vacant

My steps became heavy and my heart …….well it did not stop but something beautiful died that day.

It has been years since you have gone………….. how I missed you I just have no words to describe.

This is a special post today as it is your Birthday today. If we had celebrated you would have been 100 years today. Yes dear readers he was my grandfather.

He was the first man in my life. My first love. He made me what I am today he taught me Sanskrit and Mathematics and the philosophy of life. He told me about life’s challenges and the battles which all of us have to fight. He taught me about the dignity of being yourself. He told me that there is a certainty in every uncertainty and an uncertainty in every certainty, so very true as I found out later in life. A man who was self made but had no ego. He was very happy to be himself.

I remember one incidence when I wanted to buy a cloth to make table mats and mom refused he took me to the shop and bought a whole roll of 10 metres of blue cloth.

Everyone was amazed and shocked to see that but I wanted the whole so we had dozens of pillow covers, table mats, table covers from that material. And I lovingly embroidered.

It looked strange so many things in the same colour. But that was to others for me and him it was love and nothing else. In fact we both saw beyond those things we hardly noticed the same colour of so many things.Or was it that our eyes were colored with love don’t know as its said love is BLIND. For me it was enough that he had bought the material and for him it was enough that I was happy. We hardly looked at the cloth but I think we saw each other there.

This time when mama came here she brought one ancient table mat with her

She gave it to me do you remember she asked.

I saw that and with awe and wonder and took it in my hands. Everything thread, 'wraps' and 'wefts'  told a story, a story of unconditional love, story of innocence, the cross stitch motifs told me about the summer holidays. It was old and faded but there I could feel the story of love – a love of a child and her grandfather. I looked at mama and smiled, her eyes were moist and mine too as she remembered her father and I remembered her father, my dada [ though he was my nanaji ] as I called him. You left long ago dear Dada and life continued through mazes and your little one became older and matured as life taught many lessons. But then the lessons you taught me long back helped me to become the person I am to fight many battles not thinking of winning or losing but doing my duty. Because, as you had rightly said you can only do your duty, nothing more and nothing less.